Drugs and alcohol both have a stigma attached to them.
They can have a disastrous effect on your mental and physical health.
They have an impact on your finances, your work, and your relationships.
When you are in the thick of it, they consume your every thought.
I battled with drugs and alcohol for over 12 years.
I first started smoking cannabis at the age of 15, which ill be honest I never really liked. It wasn’t for me and as somebody who didn’t feel very confident in their own skin anyway, it just magnified that and I felt very uncomfortable and paranoid.
I also only really did it because I felt peer pressured and wanted to fit in with who I thought at the time, were the cool kids.
The ones up to mischief.
Then at the age of 16 I started going clubbing with my mates and taking speed and ecstasy. Ill be honest I liked the stimulants.
I remember taking my first ecstasy pill whilst out clubbing with my mates and it literally blew my head off it was so good haha!
I remember shouting really loudly to one of mates in the chill out room for their glow sticks because my hearing was all distorted, and them looking at me like a weirdo lol!!
I grabbed them and ran back into the main room where I danced the night away.
I even had a guy come up to me and say ‘I like your style’ about my dancing which obviously meant ‘this girl is fucked’ haha!!
But I didn’t care.
I felt so alive and free!
With not a care in the world.
My clubbing days lasted on and off up until I was about 21. I remember how after a while I didn’t want to go and be up all night and id often choose to stay at home whilst my friends went instead.
I am a bit of a princess when it comes to my sleep and if I went clubbing there was always an after session to go back to and sometimes it would be two days before I went to sleep!
I loved those days though; I have some amazing memories and funny stories ill treasure forever.
When I was about 18 was when I was introduced to cocaine.
I was always very wary of it at first because I saw it as a hard drug that people got addicted to.
I dabbled on and off for a few years but it soon became the go to drug.
It wasn’t like pills or speed where you felt euphoric and wanted to dance all night, it made me feel really confident and social.
It became my drug of choice along with alcohol.
They two together made me feel invincible.
I had the confidence to talk to people who I wouldnt normally talk to.
It just filled my body with such a rush, that I never wanted to come down.
You can see why people become to addicted to drugs.
I was never a full addict; however, I was mentally addicted because that’s all I could think about all week.
The upcoming weekend and getting high again.
Unbeknownst to me, I was doing a very good job at escaping who I truly was.
The hedonism gave me an excuse not to look at myself.
To not look at my shadows.
To escape the real me.
The one who had no confidence.
The one who felt insignificant.
The one who felt misplaced and different.
The one who felt shame for doing what she was doing but it was her only way out.
It soon became clear that cocaine had taken hold me of socially and I couldn’t go a without it.
The thought of just having a drink felt like the world had ended.
All I could focus on was getting cocaine.
I often ended up out with my friends with no money and would be looking for somebody who I could get some from anyway.
That part feels hard to say.
I was crap with money, spending it in all the wrong places but still did not want to feel like I was missing out so I went out anyway expecting others to hold me.
I remember feeling many moments up until this point where I was so desperate to escape the self-destructive lifestyle but I always went back.
When I started to notice that my cocaine habit was a lot more serious than I thought was when it was all that my relationship at the time was based on.
We did absolutely nothing else as a couple, we both just spent our weekends getting off our heads, talking about the same old shit and numbing ourselves into oblivion.
Then spending the next week exhausted, angry, anxious beyond belief and ashamed.
We both had so much baggage that we were both so unconscious of.
A narcissist and an unhealed empath…. a recipe for disaster!
For me, the feeling that cocaine gave me took over my mind and in the end I would dread the weekends.
I would dread a Monday morning because I was feel so utterly shit for work!
I couldn’t concentrate properly.
I couldn’t focus.
My work suffered a lot over the years and I would often feel jealous of other people and their normal lives.
Wishing that was me.
But then I would do it all over again on Friday night and I couldn’t wait to get back and go out.
There got to a point in the relationship where we lived together, and I never had any money because the bills fell onto me with my partner not being able to hold down a job and so I rarely had any financial support.
The money he did have, he spent on drugs and alcohol and all I wanted was more drugs to escape the even darker hole I found myself in.
I was so miserable living in that house.
I would often sit downstairs on the sofa and cry and cry and cry.
Hoping and preying for a way out of the abusive relationship and the addictive drug patterns.
I abused myself so much that I got a point where I had nothing left.
I had no more fight.
I had destroyed my soul.
I just knew I couldn’t go on any longer and I had to break away.
5 years on and I have transformed my life beyond belief.
I have faced all of my trauma and my shadows head on.
I have released myself from the past.
I have found peace in all my experiences because I know they were there for me to learn from and to grow as a person.
I have found gratitude in all that I am, even the darkest most painful parts of who I am.
I am just a normal girl with a loving family who took a path of self-destruction because I didn’t know who I was and I was too scared to face the truth of who I was.
I didn’t come from an abusive background or a disjointed background, just a normal girl from a normal family who found some comfort in escaping reality through drugs and alcohol.
I’m not saying that people should go and take drugs, however, people should be able to talk about them and their experiences openly without there being a stigma attached to it.
If you are reading this and can resonate deeply or on some level and feel any kind of shame about your choices, know that I see you.
I feel you.
And it okay.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about.
You are human and you are doing your best to navigate this human experience.
You always have a choice to better yourself.
You always have a choice to stop taking drugs.
You always have a choice to stop drinking alcohol.
You always have a choice to leave the abusive relationship.
YOU get to decide your own reality.
Pick YOU because trust me, what awaits you when you finally face who you truly are head on, it’s a feeling you will relish in.